What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
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I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
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Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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