New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
