The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
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I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
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I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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