marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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