i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
