My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
