That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
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I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
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Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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