The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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