Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
