This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
