Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
