Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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