When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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