You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
