There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
