I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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