I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
