last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
