I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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