Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
