kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
