they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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