I got chris browned last night
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
