Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
