I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"