Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
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I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
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I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.