He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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