Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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