I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
