I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
