Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
