If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
