How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
