The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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