If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
we're making bets on your personal life
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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