I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
