Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Randomize
