Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize