i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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