He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
