he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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