I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
