I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
