The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
