I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
