im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
