If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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