Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
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sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
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You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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