When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
