He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
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She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
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His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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