I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
