So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
