i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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