literally had 100 drinks last night.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
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She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
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Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while