he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
